let go of the numbers
the post
At the beginning of the year, I posted on my Instagram feed my vision board for 2021 and, brace yourself, how much I weighed...190 lbs. It was hardly my goal weight, that’s not why I posted it, but more on that in a bit. I have a tendency to tell the last thing first so let me back up a bit.
Why would I ever post my weight for the world to see? I can’t believe she weighs that much. Are two thoughts that would cross my mind if I saw someone post that. Well let me tell you dear friendie, it’s been a long time coming.
the past
Let me start off by saying, as a lifelong athlete with multiple retirements and subsequent comebacks the numbers on the scale have always been higher than one would expect to see. To use a phrase I hate; it is what it is. Maybe I am denser, maybe I have more muscle, maybe muscle really does weigh more than fat (it doesn’t), maybe whatever, who cares, move on.
I let fear of those numbers and how they defined me take hold of the decisions I was making about my health. I didn’t work out consistently because sometimes I was bigger than I wanted to be. I wasn’t as fast as I used to be. Sometimes workouts were harder because those numbers were bigger.
I stopped going to the doctor because I didn’t want to get on the scale. When I was in my 30’s one of my doctors told me that if I didn’t get a hold of weight that every year, those pounds would start adding up and she was right. So, as a result, I didn’t go back. I felt like a loser. As I approach 50, how crazy is that? I blamed infertility for my fear. I’m not sure that was entirely true. Yes there were years in my 30’s that doctors didn’t have answers for me and it was nothing but bad news, but the real truth was I didn’t want to know what those numbers were because I put so much value in them, it was better not to know. Here’s what I mean:
145 - ideal, for my age...otherwise ideal would be anything under 145
150 - ok I guess
165 - starting weigh more than my friends
175 - that’s what a man should weigh, why would I weigh that much, there must be something wrong with me, I must not take health seriously,
180+ she must eat big macs on the daily, drink coke, with pants that don’t fit laying around watching netflix all day...but I don’t so what the ever freaking loving hell is going on here? It’s like this number has no idea that I literally work out every day, enjoy working out, my pants fit better, eat cleanly, practice intermittent fasting, track my macros (probably not enough as I should)...I’m not a bad person. I am healthy so what gives scale? You suck. I suck. This sucks. I’m spiraling.
the shift
This has been a process and one that has taken years to transpire. I’ve been doing a lot of work on mindset which helped me to get to the point of letting go of the numbers. The story I have attached to the numbers on the scale is not true. They don’t define my sense of confidence and they do not reflect my worth. No one is looking into the waistband of your jeans asking what size you’re wearing, no one looks at you and can guess how much you weigh. Unless you are hanging out with circus people. And actually about the size on your jeans…I know we have all gone into the dressing room and either left defeated because the size we thought we were don’t fit or feeling great because we are fitting into a size smaller than we thought. Why do we do this to ourselves? That number has NOTHING to do with you. Did you hear me? I will say it again. That number has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t even reflect YOUR size. It is a number that references the size of the pants above and below it. Not you.
“The numbers on the scale do not define the space I take up in this world. ”
It is not ok that we are using weight as the one single metric to determine our health and our self-worth. I started moving my body more. I had always been an all-or-nothing kind of person, which was very beneficial as a younger scholar-athlete. In season… All In. Out of season Big Break. But this is a recipe for fatigue and burnout, especially as a mom-athlete. I made the decision that I was going to stop trying to shrink myself to fit into someone else’s ideal, that I was going to be ok with the space that I took up in this world. I was going to live intentionally dedicated to my health and well-being. I set the bar low and built consistency over time, which created that ever-illusive workout motivation, which also made me appreciate what my body could do, the strength that it had, and with the help of the 2020 quarantine, I stopped comparing myself to others.
So when I stepped on the scale in January of 2021, I was shocked to see a 1-9-0 looking back at me. OH MY GOD. I felt better than I had in years, had I been over 200 pounds?! Oh my god. Pull yourself together woman. Maybe I had, most likely I had. Maybe I hadn’t. I’m fine. Really, I’m fine. I am strong. I am consistent. I am an athlete. I am WORTHY and I am NOT going to let this derail me. It is just a number. It’s one number. It’s one number in a whole lot of numbers that can determine your health, but it sure as hell is not the only number.
I now have a really great doctor. We talked about my weight at my yearly physical. But this time it was different. I was able to talk about it like it was one health metric and not my value as a person. I’ve made some new changes to my lifestyle in addition to my consistent exercise habit that has really been working and I feel amazing.
Tell me friendie, what’s your attitude about weight? Have you ever let the numbers derail you?